And thus, a new era passed...

4 finals next week.

4 finals, one each day, and then I'm out for the summer, and hopefully getting into UT Tyler.

I have two more years of my life left in college to get a degree/make something of myself.

And dear lord, am I emo some days. *takes out the spray and applies it liberally to herself*

Life is not killing me. My friends are not out to get me.

Need to stop being so paranoid. =_=

Ciao, my fellows. It's off to play Tabula Rasa for the moment.

Not so much pressure, but need to let off steam.

Calmer now...but still need to get this out.


I just...dunno any more. I love Prophecy to death, really, I do. But the attitudes of some people in the guild just really rub me the wrong way sometimes.

I'm tired of the 'zomg, DKP' and 'zomg, loot' attitudes. I'm tired of hearing about "So-and-so drops my ", and then whining when it does drop and you get outbid for it.

And I'm really tired of hearing about how I don't know what I'm talking about. That I just need to hush, because I'm apparently a small child with ADHD who doesn't pay attention to what's going on around her.

I pay attention. I pay attention more than you'd think sometimes.

I know that I was rather growly yesterday. But I don't think I need to apologize for it.

Time to explain my reasoning, I suppose.

I have never liked people telling me what to do. If it seems logical enough ('we need you to tank x, we need you to battle res y, can you innervate z'), sure, no problem. It's not an order, it's a request.

Telling me what mods I can and can't have really rubs me the wrong way. I understand the annoyRP thing. I really do. It makes sense, it procs a lot, so turning it off during raids? No problem.

But when I feel like I'm the only one being spoken to about this, when it somehow became a law that 'You can't do this', especially when I had no input on said law when I'm an officer of the guild (or, at least, my name has Seer out beside it)...that pisses me off royally.

It's been rubbing me the wrong way about gems too.

Look.

I understand what you guys are trying to do. Really, I do. I understand it, and I'm happy for it, but part of me is really uneasy with it.

If someone wants to put stamina gems in their gear, and they pay for them with their own money...let them. I know you want to make people better.

But this whole thing smacks of "We won't tell you how to spec or how to gear...but wait! We changed our minds. Wear these gems or you don't get to raid."

I pick my own gems. No one has spoken to me about said gems because you all assume I know what I'm doing. Also, I highly suspect you also have no clue what feral druids go for in gems, so you leave me alone.

But telling Tielyn that he can't have stamina gems in his healing gear, telling Kiwi she can't put in stamina gems in her gear...and then, seeing people die on Solarian because they barely have enough health to survive?

That irks me a bit.

If it's not gimping their healing, and they're not running out of mana...then what's the problem? I use two pieces of gladiator gear in my raiding and rock 11k hp in cat form. Cat form. I don't need stamina gems, but if I put it in my gear...no one says anything. Because so much of my gear does double duty, no one thinks it's weird.

I'm tired of seeing our healers at barely 8k life fully buffed with spicy crawdads.

I'm tired of hearing how 'so and so won't listen to me about their spec'.

Look.

The people in our guild are intelligent.

Maybe we should start showing damage meters after raids. Show them where they fall by using the gems they do. I guarantee you, some of them will say, "Hey...I want to do more damage. Show me how."

But telling them "You will wear these gems. You will take this gear" doesn't make people happy.

Another point.

There's been a lot of snapping going around the guild, and yes, I know I've been part of it.

But when I feel like I'm constantly targeted and my personal choices in movies, interests, etc. put down, I get defensive, and I get angry.

Seriously.

Who gives a flying fuck if I don't like Blazing Saddles?

Who cares if I want to only raid Friday and Saturday?

It doesn't make me any less of a person.

It doesn't mean your opinions are any more valid than mine because you've seen more movies than me.

And sorry...but I could care less about being a 'hardcore raider' when I have a degree to work on and a life outside of the game that's seriously been neglected.

I lost two dogs a month ago within 2 weeks of each other.

I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more often.

I'm trying to get back into karate.

I'm working on exploring new interests.

I've been supporting my mate as he works on getting a new house, and finally moving out of his apartment, away from his ex.

I'm trying to help out my parents by looking at potential job opportunities this summer and next fall.

Given all that, can you really fault me for drawing back from World of Warcraft? Can you sit here and criticize me for wanting to get my life back in order the way it should be?

Because if you can, you might want to look at yourself first. See what's bothering you so much that you have an inexplicable need to have a snarky comment for every word that comes out of my mouth.

Stop trying to tell me what I should do, both in game and out of game. Stop trying to tell me how to run my relationship.

It's my life. It's my choice. It's my mate.

Fix yourself before you start trying to fix anyone else.

Warning: Contents Under Pressure

So, I'm reaching the end of my rope stress-wise.

First, my family loses 2 dogs in two weeks to cancer. Except we didn't know it was cancer at first when the first one went. We thought it was some weird auto-immune anemia thing. And then Red's blood count is really low, and Ginger's (my puppy) is starting to drop.

Second, I'm trying to keep up with college. Mom is riding me about transferring to UT Tyler next semester, I'm not doing as well as I'd like/am capable in fencing, my C++ teacher makes me want to jump out the window (he knows his stuff, but the monotone voice is KILLING ME), history isn't sticking, and I hate going to theatre knowing that she won't always be there and I'll have walked halfway across campus for fracking nothing.

She does this all the time too, my fencing teacher. No warning, just note on door "No fencing". And I can't leave to go get 3 more hours of sleep because wait! I have class with her at 11! So I drag my butt up, go over the bridge, and lo and behold...she's not there either.

Third, my mom. Today was my granddad's 90th birthday, and she was all "We should get a cake! You should read him your card!"

"...Mom, he has Alzheimer's. He doesn't understand what the hell I'm saying. That's not my granddad."

"Oh! That's Granddad! You should treat him with dignity and respect."

"No, that's the shell your dad's mind used to inhabit. It's not there any more. And you treat him like a 3-year old, so don't pull this 'dignity' bullshit with me."

I understand she's in denial, but for fuck's sake, wake up and smell the damned roses. He's not coming back. The father you knew is gone. Long gone. And in his place is this shriveled up old person who doesn't even understand what's going on any more. Just because he says Thank You sometimes when you hand him something doesn't mean the lights are on upstairs. It just means you got lucky and something triggered the right response.

And last but certainly not least, the guild. Oh my dear lord, Prophecy. I love them to death, but damn am I getting annoyed lately. Just...some of the things guildies say that come off as absolute whining, plus stuff that can be seen as favoritism as far as picking raids goes...just gah.

Oh, and did I mention that even though I'm an officer, I'm way out of the loop? Apparently 3 people were asked to leave the guild because of different behavior problems. Was I told? Oh no. Why? Fuck if I know. Yeah, I lost two dogs. Doesn't mean you have to compound the problem by leaving me in the dark. Either give me a goddamn job, or take away my officer position, but don't jerk me around like this. If there's an officer meeting going on, great! All the officers should be there, or did that change too and I wasn't informed either? If I'm in a room with Sab? Is it really that hard to send me a private message through Vent and say, "Hey, we're having an officer meeting, mind coming up?"

And then, there's the matter of getting almost snapped at by another officer a few nights ago. I understand you're going through a hard time right now. Hell, I think all of us are. But that does not mean you decide to get snippy with me, because the next time it happens, I may not just shrug it off and be calm and collected. You're Coyote too. You know better than to take out things on other people. It took a lot for me not to bite your head off. If I'm wrong and your problem is with me, then for frack's sake, TALK TO ME! Don't keep bringing up incidents that happened over two weeks ago and touting around like "Look at Telamir! Look at the stuff she does! She's such a nub!" especially in that tone of voice, because I'm not in a joking mood right now, and I felt insulted and harassed when you pulled that shit. Hell, two other people in the Vent channel whispered me to ask me what I'd done to piss you off!

I'm getting really sick and tired of all the shit that's been pulled lately, and it needs to stop.

Ready to roar,
Telamir

San Diego hasn't seen anything yet.

Yep. I'm out in San Diego with 4 guildies right now. (Kiomi, Svenge, Bannockburn and Kirrick). It's been fun so far. :P

There has been much laughter, some crying, and many noms. Many many noms.

Lucha Libre Gourmet Taco Shop, awesome Chinese food, Zorba's...

We also saw Doomsday.

Oh god, Doomsday. Gratuitous violence, much blood, punk rockers versus Lord of the Rings. Not sure if it's the best or the worst movie ever. But damn.

I do miss Sabtree, and I do talk to him every day. Wish he was here though...seeing everyone else snuggle with their mates is really saddening. And...um...I could use certain...yeah.

We'll leave it at there is much squirming. A lot of squirming.

....Yiff Queen signing out. *dashes off*

Slipping...

I'm starting to slip again.

2007 was a hard year. I had to overcome my self-doubts, figure out what I wanted in life, pick myself back up and push forward. And I did well. I came out of the year with a loving, supportive mate, a mess of friends, and the lowest grade I had was a C, from the class I had never wanted to be in in the first place.

And now...it's starting to feel like this time again last year.

I don't know if it's the Zoloft, the Concerta, a combination of the two, or just myself. I'm starting to go back to that self-doubt and resentment of the chemical leash that keeps me stable, or attempts to, anyway.

I'm resentful that because of all the damned restrictions, if I want to go overseas, the absolute longest I can be gone is 3 months because that's the biggest amount of Concerta I can have at one time.

I'm resentful that it seems like my brain can't understanding coding without my mate around to hold my hand. Not resentful of him at all, just...wish I could figure it out on my own without having to bother him.

I'm resentful that my community college doesn't have the classes I need at the times I need them to get in, get out, and on with my life.

I'm resentful that my Texas Tomorrow fund will be running out in 2 years, leaving my parents to scramble for funds for college, and that my chances of netting a scholarship have been reduced to almost nil because of the bad year at Arizona.

I'm starting to wonder if my mate loves me because I'm just that awesome, or because I'm that much better than his previous choices (s'not hard to look amazing against people who constantly take advantage of your kindness). I know what he'd say if I told him this, but it wouldn't stop the doubting.

I...I'm starting to lose track of my path. The fog is beginning to set in, and I'm beginning to stumble. Last time I fell off a cliff, I floundered around at the mud in the bottom for a bit, and discovered a coyote who was also floundering. We helped each other up, helped each other out, and now we're mates.

...I don't know what will happen if I fall again. I don't know that there's mud to soften the blow. I don't know that I won't just crumple and not get up again.

I'm scared. Scared for what will happen in two years. Scared that I may be picking a path that's too difficult for me. Scared that I may be getting in over my head. Scared of what lies in wait out there the minute I manage to get my diploma.

I've always liked being independent. Never needing other people, never having to validate myself.


...I don't know what happened to that me. I don't know where she went. I don't know if I can ever get her back. Maybe she was just around while I was a naive little girl, and didn't know enough to be scared of the world.

The pain that I thought I'd left in Tucson is starting to come back. I'm not going to do something stupid, that much I can assure you of.

I...don't want more drugs. I don't know that a psychologist can help me through this. And I would feel horrible telling my mate about this because he has enough on his plate to worry about without me dumping my own problems on him.



I'm tired of this chemical leash, but is it the only thing holding me up from walking off the cliff?

Incoming Rant - College Related

Alright.

I know I'm going to a community college. It's cheaper, it's closer to home....

But holy. Bloody. Hell.


The organization for this place blows harder than hurricane Katrina.

First, I couldn't take all the classes I needed this semester to get my butt out of here faster because, "Oh noes...your Calculus II class falls right on top of your fencing class...and the lab is on top of your C++ class that is only offered spring semester. ...did we mention the lab time is non-negotiable?"

I know that it's a community college. I know I was spoiled by Arizona's broad range of times and offerings. I didn't come back here expecting to be able to take Japanese, or sub-space engineering (I wish).

But damn, people! You have professors! You can teach the class at MORE THAN ONE TIME!

And, dare I suggest it...TAKE MORE OF MY MONEY WHILE I GET THE EDUCATION I NEED?!

I had to struggle this semester to fill the 12-hour full-time student requirement because of all the time conflicts. I refuse to take classes online because I know that online learning is the exact opposite of my optimal learning style.


Now. What brings up this rant, you ask?

Take into consideration that when I was younger, my parents paid into a nifty fund called Texas Tomorrow fund for me. It will pay for 5 years of college education. Only 5. And I'm in...lessee...

1 full year at Arizona
1 semester at Arizona, withdrew, 1 class (C class) at Kilgore

After this semester is over...I'll be through year 3 of 5 on the pay plan.

And I'm not even sure I have the credits to be considered a sophmore yet.

Having to struggle to fill REQUIREMENTS of my major because they 'conflict' with other REQUIREMENTS of my major...is absolutely fucking absurd. It's ridiculous. It shouldn't be happening...

But it is.

Welcome to higher education, ladies and gentlemen. Please get in a single-file line, and wait your turn to be screwed over.

Telamir out.

Knew things were doing too well...

Just had my first spaz attack of the year. >.<

With code looming over my head, programs flitting everywhere, physics labs flying at me at high speed, and fencing and karate both vying for a spot in muscle memory, I was bound to hit sensory overload sooner or later.

*sighs* I hate crying for no reason.